Time to Write Your Own Reality Check, Dear Storyteller.

Following someone else “Writing-Routine” isn’t going to magically fill the gaps in the story or book you’re writing.

Your experiences is what color your novel, and there’s a guarantee that no one in the world will understand your story better than you.

The answers to your problems, why it might seem unbearable to write because your writer’s block is so horrible, is in yourself.

You know what you’re going through.

If you’re anything like me, you’re great at giving other people advice. Your passion seems to be catching, and you have the habit of accidentally inspiring friends to take action while you’re talking of your own dreams. You seem to be able to inspire them, that it seems they are ruthlessly pursuing their passions. You seem to be able to talk down their dreams, to earth, to the possible plane.

You start to wonder, if you’re able to inspire people so well, to solve their own problems of self-esteem, or their “can’t-do-attitudes” why the hell are you so listless? Why are you so little motivated to move the mountains required to conquer your own dreams?

It’s you.

It’s your problem. Maybe it’s a fear of success, maybe it’s the fear or rejection, maybe it’s not fear at all, but your own complacency of failure. Instead of psychoanalyzing the people around you, seeing into their souls to see their problems… maybe it’s time for a little self-reflection.

After all, you’re the only person in the world who you can be sure is actually being honest with you, which makes great character fodder.

Look to yourself, Find out your fears, your creative blocks, and what you believe you can actually achieve and move from there.

As a writer, as a creator of worlds, you literally can shape mountains if you so please, so why in the hell are you not writing? Why in the hell can’t you finish that book? Why in the hell are you worrying so much about what happens after the book is completed rather than writing the book.

You’re a dreamer, all good storytellers are… I’m not saying deny your nature. Harvest it. If you can dream of the rewards of being an wonderfully illustrious writer… you can certainly dream up a book, with conflict, character motivation, and either a resolution or new beginning for an end.

You became, or decided you were a writer for a reason.

Maybe it was because you always enjoyed reading or being told stories as a little kid… maybe you found the nature of self-reflection calming. Maybe you wrote because you had to. It was a way to escape your little reality, and now you want to share it with the world.

Whatever your original reason was, you’ve certainly forgotten it. If you’re still looking at “successful” writers to solve your problems.

Figure it out, the you that you were, is most certainly apart of the you that you are now. The you that is having problems finding the passion, most certainly can take a page out of the book of the former you that wrote for hours, tirelessly.

Introduce the Passionate You, and the slightly-bitter-having-problems-finding-that-fire You, and let them affect each other. Let the one with their boots planted firm into the ground, reach and connect with the one in the clouds, and together allow them to make your story, the reason why you started writing, the story that you have been born to tell, rain down upon the world.

It’s that simple.

You’ve lost passion, right? Find it. You’re lost in your own story? Give yourself directions. You’re having problems with ending your story? End it, all good things come to an end, and I guarantee, that your story that’s changed you over the course of writing is good enough. Some things aren’t meant to be resolved and that’s the nature of the beast. Put a bandaid over it, and carry on.

Confession: I desperately want to act.

Shortly after in 3rd grade I was told that I was not going to be in the gifted program, because I talked too much. I was told that in the program, you could do whatever you wanted to, and got a zillion field trips… it broke my heart.

That moment became something that defined me, that has shaped my life in so many ways.

That’s when I became shy. I was afraid of talking too much. I was afraid that my mouth would screw me over, to the point, of no-return.

I guess that would make it, my first, real, original fear.

You see, I’ve always been fearless. Before I could properly walk, my Dad tells me, I was climbing and subsequently swinging from the cupboards in our kitchen. At 4 years old, I broke my neck, and heights… sort of became a problem. But I could deal, I just got a little vertigo, and then, I’d cope. Didn’t stop me from jumping off of our roof all the time, and at the neighbor’s house we’d jump out of the 2nd story window, onto a tramp at basement level.

At around 6, during a particularly high-stakes game of hide-and-go-seek, I resorted to hiding in the dryer, and my little sister started the dryer, and ran off. Claustrophobia, ensued after I had to kick out the door of the dryer to get out, and avoid getting more bruised and hot than bearable. But that only lead to some slight anxiety, when I feel trapped. Most people are anxious when trapped, it’s not a debilitating fear, and it didn’t stop me from napping in our linen closet on the shelves, in a less than 1×1 foot space.

After an encounter with a teenage boy at the not-at-all-ripe age of 3 or 4, my comfort in regards to anything of sexual nature was damaged.

At 10, as a renowned tomboy who could kick ass at any sport, and literally kick anyone’s ass, I lost my guy friends because girls became “icky” and were too weak suddenly to play with. Which lead to the ultimate distrust of the opposite gender, and consequently most people. (You have to realize, these were guys I had hung out with since I was 4, and had spent the majority of my life hanging out with them, who suddenly dropped me, due to what was under my shorts.)

At 7, when I wanted to be a ballerina, and my dad finally took me to sign up for a dance class, and we left without me being in a class because it was so goddamn expensive. I resorted to my much more achievable dream of being a rock star, and wrote a million songs, only to be told that my gift was in song-writing and not singing.

I watched movies, lots of inappropriately adult movies that a girl as impressionable as me, and willing should not have been exposed to. Which led me to confessing my love of our next-door neighbor Ben, at the age of 8, who I so did not actually. Which led us to kissing a lot because that’s what people in love in the movies did.

I determined that when I grow up I was going to own a Siberian Tiger when I grew up after a trip to the zoo at 4, when I learned that siber-toothed tigers had been extinct for a long time. (My first choice of a pet, prior.)

My dream of becoming a clothing designer was dashed when my best friend at 12 Nicole, was better at sketching designs.

My dream of being a vampire, also was dashed when I reached 13, and still had no evidence that any real vampires had ever been alive, ever.

My dream of being a stuntman, is still alive, but I know that it would freak out my Dad, considering how scared he is of me using my tax return money to buy a motorcycle.

A job as an Art Director, Casting Director, or Pyrotechnic Technician is incredibly hard to come by. In Filmstudies/Filmmaking, I quickly learned that being the director, was not exactly where I belonged… or at least not when my scaredy-cat friends refused to get behind the camera, and I had to be the talent in every movie we made, as well as direct.

After every single play I’ve been in, (including 2 different versions of A Christmas Carol, oddly enough when I hate Christmas, plus rehearsals for a Christmas Play during Halloween is lame) I’ve always been inconsolably depressed, after closing night. Not only because being on stage is exhilarating and fulfilling, but because I always miss the weird in-jokes that happen during a production while waiting in the wings. As well as the queer mischievous nature that comes while working in a completely empty theater that may or may not be haunted.

Being an Actor was my older sister’s dream. Being a singer was my younger sister’s dream. Being an artist, writer, was supposed to be my dream.

It is in ways. I will always love writing, and creating art… but it is a lonely, solitary business.

All of the things above, as well as my weirdo ability to completely memorize a movie after seeing it 2x, are factors in why I want to desperately be an actor.

Being an actor, combines so many of the things that I love in this world.

I’m a dreamer. I do want to try everything out in this world. A production, it’s magical, whether it’s film or stage, you get to create something breathtaking with weird milk-water rain, clever camera angles, waving a thing of sheet metal to create thunder and lightening. You get to tell stories (which if the above doesn’t tell you about my love of stories, I don’t know what does). You get to show real, raw truth by deceit, illusion, strings and pulleys.

I can’t say there’s anything that tells more about human nature, than people pretending to be living lives, that they don’t live, loving people they don’t love in that way, pretending to be people who they aren’t. Trying to resolve a neat little problem in 3 acts or less, all while trying to possibly fit it under an umbrella overlying theme about what it means to be human.

I love memorizing lines, I love pretending to be someone and experiencing things that I’ll probably never experience in my real life. I love that I get the chance to go into the woods to escape my mother (who isn’t actually my mother) who locked me away in a tower, and meet my brother who’s trying to help his wife conceive a child by finding a cow white as milk, a cape as red as blood, hair as yellow as corn,and a slipper as pure as gold.

It’s the stuff that dreams are made of. It’s what my dreams are made of.

I realized this last semester when I was working 50 hours a week, signed up for 18 credit hours, and still wanted to audition for my school’s production of a space-age version of Romeo and Juliet (I was hoping for the part of Mercutio, because he’s the only one I liked.), and was heartbroken when I was too busy to do it.

I miss acting. Like writing, it’s an outlet, it’s a dream, and just a little unrealistic. But good things happen. It makes me happy, no matter what little parts I get. I want to do it. Plus, I seem to be pretty good at it.

I haven’t told anyone, the extent of how much I want to strike out in California and join a wonderful community of artists, and creative types… but right now, I don’t see many other options in my dream future.  For someone who has a pretty hard times limiting their options. That’s a pretty freaking big deal.

General Reminisces and Warped Tour

It’s been a crazy couple days… I found out yesterday that Warped Tour is coming to my town on Saturday. I’m excited… I admit it. I went to Warped Tour ’05 and loved it… Honestly, it was my first concert. I actually wanted to go to the ‘o3… but my older brother wouldn’t let me go. I really wanted to go because Rancid and Distillers were going…

Brody Dalle was my hero…. back than she was still married to Tim Armstrong (Rancid, Transplants, Operation Ivy, and Dance Hall Crashers). Honestly, I lost most of my respect for her when she dumped Tim…. went for that guy in Queens of the Stoneage and than the rest of it when she went blonde, preppy and started the Spinerettes. I really wanted to go to ‘o3 but didn’t. Unfortunately, because of the whole break-up… Distillers didn’t go anyways. But with the above information ^ you can see why I wanted to go in ’03… it’s probably good that I didn’t considering I was 11.

When I went in ’05, I don’t remember much about it. I know Dropkick Murphey’s had the biggest crowd… that set was amazing… however all the hardcore punkers were in there… and I was small… I was too scared to go in the pits at the point. I saw a lot of random bands… I know Angel and Airwaves were just starting out…. so was Left Alone and I met most of the members of both… (Left Alone’s Drummer is freaking cool btw.) Left Alone is a good effing band… very Operation Ivy-esque. There were a bunch of bands that I didn’t know even went that year… that I totally love now like Gogol Bordello and Big D and the Kids Table…. I remember everybody saying that, All-American Rejects got jumped at the airport and that’s why they didn’t show. It was funny stuff… Everyone got a kick out of that one…. Just like Utah Punks… I forgot My Chemical Romance came… I guess I didn’t really listen to them back in the day…. it’s too bad… it would have been cool to see them…

I had fun… even though that I got a major sunburn that day that made me look like a lobster… I didn’t know it until we got in the car… those comment that people made about dehydration and that I could have their water bottle… and maybe I should lie down… made a lot more sense after I saw myself…lol It was 109 degrees… I stayed inside the whole summer… because I wanted to see how pale I could get… I wore a long-sleeved black shirt that I literally got a sunburn through and I didn’t wear sunscreen… I was asking for it…. I realize at least this much… So I don’t feel that bad about….lol

So Just wear light, skimpy clothing… to Warped Tour… don’t go if you don’t see much sun… and finally, remember to stay hydrated AND wear sunburn. Maybe sneak in food if possible… because it’s really really expensive stuff. These are the tips for a successful warped tour. If you’re going… have fun…

I’m actually going because I volunteered for the Eco Iniative who basically picks up trash and recycles it to reduce waste that is generated by warped tour. I get in for free, get a venders pass,.. which means I can go anywhere (probably go backstage to all the cool bands) They give me a shirt, they give us at least one drink of our choice… and feed us. Not a bad deal.

Wow ^ I guess I’m still a music whore…lol. But y’know this year’s line-up mostly sucks… especially since Bouncing Souls and Anti-Flag isn’t coming to my town this year. I just really want to see “Ole.” live. I’m going to… I don’t when but I will. It’s going to be sweet ; ).

Besides that there’s not really much going on in my life… besides school starting on the 24th… (Which I’m excited for and not excited for at the same time..) Hoping that I get my streaks in before picture day (17th) and General chilling…

However, I really can’t sleep lately and I don’t know why…. I think it’s related to Warped and School…. hopefully I’ll sleep better after warped tour…. (I’ll be exhausted) we have to get there before opening… then, we have to be there until at least closing… so not excited about that. I don’t want to melt! If we’re lucky…. it’ll rain… However, I bet that will make them close early and we won’t get to see the shows we want to.

We’re going clothes shopping today…. so not excited.

I don’t know….

‘Till we meet again
Yours Truly,
♥Aspiringtobesomeone

Fitting into a mold isn’t for me.

So Today I’m going to get my haircut… I’m nervous… mostly because it’s at the community college (Woo! Support people who know what they want to do!). But also, I’m not exactly sure what I want… I have pictures that are similar to what I want but anyways… I found them on the internet and the printer’s broken.

Tomorrow we’re going to dye our hair… and honestly I don’t care what my Dad says about Green Streaks… I’m doing them. I know that’s a jerk statement… but he’ll be okay after we’re done with it. I’m doing it nice and short (mostly so it’s easy to manage). I look good with short hair, my hair for some reason is less frizzy when I have short hair… it’s weird.

I’m excited about it… I just hope my older sister will them what I want… last time, I wanted about the same thing and what I got was a very short plain a-line. Which wasn’t too bad… but honestly I hate a-lines…

I’m just so very excited. Although I act mature, and most of my friends see me as a tomboy… I love hair, I love having a french manicure (Done by myself of course! It’s not worth it to pay someone to do it everytime..).

I love dressing up, and I love what you can do with make-up. I Honestly, hold a lot back mostly to protect me from the preppy girls. I used to be one of them… (a couple years ago… but after my parents’ divorce and we moved I decided I was sick of the work to be in them)

I’m glad that I’ve stopped that course in it’s tracks… but as much as my friends don’t realize… I enjoy being dolled up. I like being dressed different to the point that I’m mostly unrecognisable. I enjoy the fact that most people freak out if you disobey the laws of your social class…

I love showing up to school in a baggy T-shirt, Large Jacket, and PJ bottoms one day and the next showing up completely girly… make-up, jewelry and the whole bit… and the after… I might dress up as a punk. I think it’s funny.

I’ve been all of these people before and I understand how to pull it all off… it looks legit.. because it is legit… Those parts of me have never left and the sooner people realize that… the sooner I’ll be able to be understood.

I guess I just don’t like fitting into any one mold… I think it’s funny to fit a mold perfectly one day and the next just different. I chose this haircut because of all the different easy ways I’ll be able to style it so it fits who I want to be that day.

I don’t know.. I’m just your average girl…. although I don’t mind mud.

Yours Truly
-Aspiringtobesomeone

Life Could Be Yours.

Okay, so I’ve been busy… but I just feel like telling you guys about the beautiful things in life…. like the truly beautiful things in life.

I’ve recently started babysitting (mostly because I can’t find a job and I need some sort of money) and I realized something amazing about kids… they really think that you can do anything… they have this belief that once they’re your age… that they can do anything! The fact of the matter is: You can. You really can.

Somewhere in the middle of growing up, you lose that idealist attitude… suddenly the world becomes concrete with certain rules and expectations that no one can break. Think about everything that you’ve ever wanted, maybe you wanted a pony when you were little… maybe you wanted to fly… whatever. The reality is, possibilities are only limited to your imagination! Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You could have that pony right now if you wanted it… you could find a nice alternative to flying… say, skydiving or maybe you could be an astronaut to actually feel what it’s like to literally fly with nothing stopping you… not gravity, nothing.

I’ve been talking to my older sister lately, and what’s sad, what is truly sad is right now… this part of her, the part that was literally her personality while growing up is dead. She doesn’t believe in any possibilities anymore… She’s told me that she’s up against a brick wall…

I’ll tell you basically the situation. She’s had 3 cars… First One: transmission broke, Second One: some jerk smashed into it on the highway maybe a week after she got it, and the Third One: it’s been running for a few weeks… been working perfectly…. than it starts shaking and now it’s transmission has gone out. She has a loan on this sucker and has to keep up on her car payments and her liability insurance and save up to either get it fixed or get a new car.  Which I admit: Sucks. I feel for her, I really do. She’s working part-time, 2 10 hour shifts a week… so she’ll be able to get another job to save up for college and all those things. She can’t find anything… no one I know can find anything… I’ve been looking for a job myself. So have a couple good buddies of mine….

Basically even at the crappy minimum wage (jobs previously renowned for hiring needy teenagers who are saving for cars) places where they’ve always had a revolving door haven’t been hiring… or at least hiring teenagers… Which I can understand… the economies bad… blah blah blah…. major unemployment.. many people with kids you need the job worse than some teenager living in their parents’ house.

I get it. Fact of the matter is: My dad needs us to get jobs so we can be paying for our expenses and helping out with the bills… I know kids who are in worst cases too… kids who the moment they were fourteen are expected to pay for room and board.. the school fees and other such stuff… basically if they need anything they pay for it. Mostly because deep down their parents didn’t want kids and are stuck with them and want to either make a profit off of them or get rid of them A.S.A.P…. I realize that me having a job right now makes it so that some poor recently unemployed family may have to pawn off stuff to eat or such.

It sucks. I wish it wasn’t so…. I wish we were back in the thriving nineties where you could expect candy bars to 5/$1, or even as low as 6/$1… now we’re up to 79 cents on average for a candy bar. Honestly that’s the way to measure inflation overall just look at the prices of candy bars rise.

But anyways…. back to that problem with sis, she believes that she can’t do anything to make her funds more happy and that if she gets a new car it’s cursed… but the one she has must be cursed so after fixing it up she’s planning on selling it. She doesn’t trust in the world to take care of her…. this is a common problem with adults…. that I’ve seen anyways.

A few years back… maybe 2 or 3 I had a very philosophical conversation with someone… I think it was my older brother… now I don’t remember this conversation nearly at all… but at the end of the conversation I started to get thinking… and realized, “There’s no reason to worry, until that something happens.” Which I’ve found is very true. Should you worry about going into a coma? Should you stress about the possibility that you could go into a coma because of a car accident and take ridiculous precautions to prevent that from happening? (Such as, wrapping yourself in bubble wrap from head to toe, if you leave the house.) There’s no need to be paranoid, there’s no need to worry and what’s going to happen, will. The fact is, that I believe that certain events in our lives are not coincidences. If you are meant to die in a revolution to become a saint to someone who comes after you, then you will. Everything you do is to just sculpt you into who you will be. You have to go through trials and all that crap to become the best you possible.

I’m not crazy religious, I haven’t learned this at a church or anything and at the moment I don’t know if I believe in any higher beings… or creators or guardians (Past those that love you ie: father, mother, best friends, sibling, the love of your life.) I’m not trying to preach or to dis on anybody’s God/Goddess(s). The fact of the matter is, it’s hard to believe that the crap I’ve been through has no purpose and this explanation makes it easier to live through… the belief that something good and pure will come out of all of this weird crap. I don’t believe that this is some punishment for the “original sin” (I don’t believe in the original sin btw) I simply believe that somewhere out there the crap that I’ve gone through will help someone. I have to.

God, I get off-topic so much. Life is meant to be enjoyed. It isn’t meant to be worried over. It isn’t meant to be a journey to get the most money. Life isn’t even meant to be anything really. Life is literally what you make of it. Life is simply, yours.

A Very Good Morning

Just so you know about this picture. I woke up at around 4 am, to go climb a mountain and get a picture of this sun rise. I admit it was crazy, and pointless and I literally did it because I could. I was so tired… and it probably wouldn’t be worth it to other people… but we double trespassed, gave blood, sweat and tears to take a few amazing shots… and I loved every second of it… It was thrilling. You can find beauty in anything.

Good luck in all that you do.
-Aspiringtobesomeone