I’m out of my head…

I have no idea where I’m going in my life. As I can consider myself (at least slightly) Bohemian. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact, in many ways that’s where I want to be. I don’t want to plan things out anymore… I don’t want to plan out my life and be disappointed when things don’t turn out the way I envisioned them.

Fact of the matter is: plans fall through. Almost anything that I’ve planned out a week in advance hasn’t happened. Anything I plan out 30 minutes prior to actually doing it, does. So why should I plan out my life? What college I’m going to, what my major is, what my profession will be, if I’m going to get married, if I’ll have kids, if I’ll be a skank who makes any lucky son of gun who gets me for a night wear a condom? There’s too many unknowns in life to plan.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the 12 hours before I go to sleep…. We could be hit by a tornado and be homeless by then. People change their views, their opinions, their selves all based on what happens to them. I don’t know the future me, and I don’t know if that ‘me’ is going to appreciate any choices I make for her, now… I know who I want to be. So far, I just haven’t been that. So far, everything I’ve planned out seems to go to pieces. Even when it comes down to myself.

You think I wanted to grow-up to be a cynical, pessimist that is too afraid to share her opinion, because she’s afraid that when people disagree (and they will) it will start a fight… and then she’ll turn into something that she can’t control?

Naw, I wanted to be somebody that people would listen to, I wanted to be the line between right and wrong, a guiding star. I wanted to be someone that actually matters in this world.

I chose the rule of invisible myself. I chose for all the kids in my school to not even notice me, so they couldn’t get in the way of my life. I’ve also trapped myself into this role. Maybe, after graduation, I’ll move somewhere… where nobody knows me, and I can be my literal self, and maybe I’ll even go to my high school reunions, and people may not even have an idea who I am, or maybe they will, and they’ll think, ‘she’s changed.’ The fact would be, I haven’t, not one bit.

School is either chilling out now, or I’m getting used to it, whichever. Either way, it’s not as hard as it was last week. I feel better about it. However, I can feel myself blinking onto everyone’s radar. I don’t know how I feel about that. In one way I’m happy because then everyone will know what kind of person I really am.

In another way, I love being anonymous, in the crowd just enough to know what’s going on, but apart enough that I can observe without bias. I think I might be sad to know that I won’t have it again, here. People remember you, you can’t change fact, once you’re noticed, there’s no going back. You just exist. You become known, and all those little things that you used to get away with, are spread and heard and seen. There goes your anonymity, with it, your freedom. Not that it was ever that free, not that you’ll be less free with your discovery, it’s just which freedoms are important to you?

I don’t know, I’m in a philosophical mood, it might be the storm that’s coming… it might be that I haven’t worked on my book since school started… it might be that I haven’t eaten anything yet. Who knows? I still feel it’s important to go into your life… and move a few things around, see if your perspective changes with it.

I feel alone in anonymity, alone in my unplanned life… alone in all my views… singular. Like there’s only one of me. Uniqueness and Singularity are worlds apart. One, you’re in common with at least something, part of something… with Singularity, it’s just you. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes it’s a bad thing.

I’m not saying I’m depressed or lonely or anything… just alone. It feels nice right now… and yet, I wish I did have a future that I believe I can just map out… like my peers…. I wish I could have that undeniable optimism that for once, things were going to go my way. I can’t.

I’ve lost my expectations to many things in life, with each major, life-changing event… I’ve lost 3, 4 sometimes… Now I have none. It’s weird to not expect anything, no loss…. yet an emptiness lingers.

If I were going to write about someone without a soul, I think that last paragraph is the closest you could get to it.

Well, good night fellas… sleep tight, plan well.
Truly,
♥Aspiringtobesomeone

Life Could Be Yours.

Okay, so I’ve been busy… but I just feel like telling you guys about the beautiful things in life…. like the truly beautiful things in life.

I’ve recently started babysitting (mostly because I can’t find a job and I need some sort of money) and I realized something amazing about kids… they really think that you can do anything… they have this belief that once they’re your age… that they can do anything! The fact of the matter is: You can. You really can.

Somewhere in the middle of growing up, you lose that idealist attitude… suddenly the world becomes concrete with certain rules and expectations that no one can break. Think about everything that you’ve ever wanted, maybe you wanted a pony when you were little… maybe you wanted to fly… whatever. The reality is, possibilities are only limited to your imagination! Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You could have that pony right now if you wanted it… you could find a nice alternative to flying… say, skydiving or maybe you could be an astronaut to actually feel what it’s like to literally fly with nothing stopping you… not gravity, nothing.

I’ve been talking to my older sister lately, and what’s sad, what is truly sad is right now… this part of her, the part that was literally her personality while growing up is dead. She doesn’t believe in any possibilities anymore… She’s told me that she’s up against a brick wall…

I’ll tell you basically the situation. She’s had 3 cars… First One: transmission broke, Second One: some jerk smashed into it on the highway maybe a week after she got it, and the Third One: it’s been running for a few weeks… been working perfectly…. than it starts shaking and now it’s transmission has gone out. She has a loan on this sucker and has to keep up on her car payments and her liability insurance and save up to either get it fixed or get a new car.  Which I admit: Sucks. I feel for her, I really do. She’s working part-time, 2 10 hour shifts a week… so she’ll be able to get another job to save up for college and all those things. She can’t find anything… no one I know can find anything… I’ve been looking for a job myself. So have a couple good buddies of mine….

Basically even at the crappy minimum wage (jobs previously renowned for hiring needy teenagers who are saving for cars) places where they’ve always had a revolving door haven’t been hiring… or at least hiring teenagers… Which I can understand… the economies bad… blah blah blah…. major unemployment.. many people with kids you need the job worse than some teenager living in their parents’ house.

I get it. Fact of the matter is: My dad needs us to get jobs so we can be paying for our expenses and helping out with the bills… I know kids who are in worst cases too… kids who the moment they were fourteen are expected to pay for room and board.. the school fees and other such stuff… basically if they need anything they pay for it. Mostly because deep down their parents didn’t want kids and are stuck with them and want to either make a profit off of them or get rid of them A.S.A.P…. I realize that me having a job right now makes it so that some poor recently unemployed family may have to pawn off stuff to eat or such.

It sucks. I wish it wasn’t so…. I wish we were back in the thriving nineties where you could expect candy bars to 5/$1, or even as low as 6/$1… now we’re up to 79 cents on average for a candy bar. Honestly that’s the way to measure inflation overall just look at the prices of candy bars rise.

But anyways…. back to that problem with sis, she believes that she can’t do anything to make her funds more happy and that if she gets a new car it’s cursed… but the one she has must be cursed so after fixing it up she’s planning on selling it. She doesn’t trust in the world to take care of her…. this is a common problem with adults…. that I’ve seen anyways.

A few years back… maybe 2 or 3 I had a very philosophical conversation with someone… I think it was my older brother… now I don’t remember this conversation nearly at all… but at the end of the conversation I started to get thinking… and realized, “There’s no reason to worry, until that something happens.” Which I’ve found is very true. Should you worry about going into a coma? Should you stress about the possibility that you could go into a coma because of a car accident and take ridiculous precautions to prevent that from happening? (Such as, wrapping yourself in bubble wrap from head to toe, if you leave the house.) There’s no need to be paranoid, there’s no need to worry and what’s going to happen, will. The fact is, that I believe that certain events in our lives are not coincidences. If you are meant to die in a revolution to become a saint to someone who comes after you, then you will. Everything you do is to just sculpt you into who you will be. You have to go through trials and all that crap to become the best you possible.

I’m not crazy religious, I haven’t learned this at a church or anything and at the moment I don’t know if I believe in any higher beings… or creators or guardians (Past those that love you ie: father, mother, best friends, sibling, the love of your life.) I’m not trying to preach or to dis on anybody’s God/Goddess(s). The fact of the matter is, it’s hard to believe that the crap I’ve been through has no purpose and this explanation makes it easier to live through… the belief that something good and pure will come out of all of this weird crap. I don’t believe that this is some punishment for the “original sin” (I don’t believe in the original sin btw) I simply believe that somewhere out there the crap that I’ve gone through will help someone. I have to.

God, I get off-topic so much. Life is meant to be enjoyed. It isn’t meant to be worried over. It isn’t meant to be a journey to get the most money. Life isn’t even meant to be anything really. Life is literally what you make of it. Life is simply, yours.

A Very Good Morning

Just so you know about this picture. I woke up at around 4 am, to go climb a mountain and get a picture of this sun rise. I admit it was crazy, and pointless and I literally did it because I could. I was so tired… and it probably wouldn’t be worth it to other people… but we double trespassed, gave blood, sweat and tears to take a few amazing shots… and I loved every second of it… It was thrilling. You can find beauty in anything.

Good luck in all that you do.
-Aspiringtobesomeone