It’s the 48th day of summer. Not that I’m counting (I’m really not… I was curious how much time I’ve wasted). That’s just it. It’s the summer before my senior year, and this is probably the last shot I have at completely wasting my time on stupid things. However, I don’t really want to waste my time… I feel like I should be doing something… Well I know what I feel like I should be doing…
I should be writing.. not “Blog-writing” I should be working on my book. Honestly, it’s a book that’s been in planning before Stephanie Meyer even got published. I’ve always wanted to write a vampire book… I was a horror fan, before I ever heard my first ghost story… I was in love with the genre before even hearing the proper term. I was looking for the unabridged version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, since 6th grade.. when I was finally able to find one, I stayed up until four A.M. reading it (even though I had school in the morning and had to wake up at 5:30 am to be on time) I reread it until I had to return it. I felt like I could honestly say I was a horror fan after.
Naturally when I decided I want to be a writer, I want to contribute to my favorite genre, in specific, vampires. I know there’s tons of vampire books out there… especially ones that were written after twilight.
I personally don’t like twilight. I am biased, I admit it. Mostly, because I am a horror fan, and do not like a romance novel being considered horror. I realize that vampires are freakishly trendy right now and I want to avoid being thrust into the crowd.. I believe that my take on vampires is as original as Anne Rice’s.
I refuse to compare myself to twilight… mostly because it isn’t original… anybody who’s read the Vampire Chronicles has to be admit the freakish similarities going all the way down to names… Maybe Stephanie Meyer didn’t write the Twilight Books without reading any vampire fiction before… who knows? But my book, cannot even be submitted (without being compared to Twilight) until 10 years later (at least, considering the movies will keep it alive longer no doubt.) So, I’m writing a book that literally can’t be seen until much later and I admit I have no motivation right now in finishing it.
I love the characters… I love writing it. But I feel like I’m doing a whole bunch of short stories that involve the same people.
I want to start something different. If it goes well I might give it a category in this blog and you can just read it here. and maybe I’ll feel better about things know that something of mine is out there, being seen and read….My idea, isn’t what ‘sells’ (meaning: it appeals to a very limited audience). I don’t know I’m just babbling.
My dad is bummed out, I know he feels like he’s not getting anywhere in his life… because all that’s happening is he goes to work, comes home, maybe watches tv for a while and goes to sleep. I feel bad for it, I know he’s getting frustrated and there’s nothing that I can do. I’m cleaning out the fridge today, maybe doing the dishes… making sure the house is clean for him. It’s basically all that I can do. I feel like taking him out for a movie… or maybe we’ll all go camping like he said he wanted to this summer.
I’m just worried. When he wasn’t getting satisfaction out of his life… he turned to strange woman to get it. (Not saying that my Dad had affairs or anything… he’s happily divorced) I mean, he dumped this lady that was stalking him (Finally!) and three months later he tells us he’s engaged to her. They actually got married and she trapped him into a relationship by cohorted all his money and finally he saves up just enough to move out again and begins to be happy in his freedom… he even treated us better (not that you could really improve much on how he treats us).
But now, he’s starting to chill out with his ex-wife almost every night and I can’t help but be afraid that he’ll go back to her. Not only did she treat us like crap but she used my Dad and treated him like dirt. It’s not healthly for him. I just want him to be happy and let him feel satisfied. I feel bad for venting on all you people… but I just can’t not think about it.
He’s really worried about his retirement because my birthmother (who is remarried and honestly I think owes my Dad a buttload considering that she got the house and all of the possessions that were worth something) gets half of it. If it weren’t for her, he’d be able to retire at 55. Now he’s worrying that he’s going to need to work until the day he dies. I always tell him, he’ll always be welcome at my house (of the future, considering that I’m 17.) He always says that once I get a guy and have kids, I won’t want him there. Honestly, I don’t plan on getting married. I don’t want to have kids myself… right now if there’s any kids in my future… I’ll take orphans or kids that were abused… who are older and potty-trained and need someone to guide them… that understands what it’s like to be abused. That’s it.
I would be fine with my Dad in any setting anyways. I think he’s refusing himself to take it from any of us because he feels like it’s a handout. I don’t see it as a handout. I owe him more than you could owe anybody. He gave up his life to raise some kids he didn’t even know. (My birthmother forced him to work two full-time jobs where he could only be at home for 4 hours and that was reserved for sleep… believe me… I saw it. Basically until I was 10. I’m the fourth out of six… so my older siblings were 17, 15, and 13… about the time that childhood evaporates.) He’s in a dead-end job that’s so specialized that basically no other industry will take him… he’s tried. The government is slowly liquidating his job… and who knows what’ll happen than. He has some college education but he went college 30 years ago.
Who can blame the guy for having a bleak outlook? I want to help him out. I want to calm his fears… and just let him relax or party if he feels like it.
My Dad is one of the sweetest guys you’ll ever know… he’ll help out anybody…even if it feels like it’s going to take out a chuck of his only possessions in this world. I mean the guy will be running late to a wedding, or baby blessing or whatever… and he’ll stop on the highway for whoever’s car didn’t seem to work out today. He’ll give strangers rides… he’ll talk to someone who’s headlight went out and follow them home (if they want it) just so they can make it home okay.
My Dad is the prime example of what people should be striving for. He is perfectly supportive of everything we do. He genuinely hurts when people around him are hurting. I remember one time he bought a candybar (A little sneaking around for the guilty pleasure of having chocolate) saw me and broke it in half and when I refused saying that he needs to let him have his own stuff and that he shares too excessively (which is true… almost every penny of his paycheck goes to the wellbeing of others… house payment included) and he replied, “I’m a father. I’m supposed to be a provider… sharing is my job.” That’s the attitude he has about everything! Anybody could learn something about kindness by watching my Dad. I’m not saying that my dad is perfect or holy or anything.. (to be frank his obsession with model airplanes, cars, and robots is a bit excessive). He’s just a good man. A very rare type of man, nowadays.
I just don’t know what else I can do for him.
I mean I pride myself on my ability to help others, as my Dad does… and what does it mean when I can’t even help my own father? I feel like I can’t do anything. I just want the people around me happy… than I’ll be happy.
Which is my problem… my happiness depends on the happiness of others around me… I’m perfectly willing to conform into whatever they need me to be. That’s what it means for me when I say, “Aspiring to be someone.” I am noone. I have no likes, or dislikes… I have no personality except the one the people need who’re around me. I’m literally just learning who I am myself. I want the ability to know myself, and to be selfish with things (besides the occasional candybar) I want to see how it feels to live life normally… (like how other people do… instead of literally trying to please everyone).
I don’t know… it’s been a couple of crazy days… I don’t know what I’m saying or what I’m feeling… but thank you for tuning in, and allowing me to vent.