Tag Archives: abuse

Good always Triumphs Over Evil

7 Jan

So I got to talk about some crap, because it might make me feel a little less angry….

 

I was one of those children that came from an abusive home. The abuser happened to be my mother. Sadly enough, any major issue with a life event can be traced directly to her.

My weird inability to accept imperfections came from her telling me to scrub for hours.  My hatred and distrustfulness of new people  stems from her screwing me over and then, proving it again by my dad being desperate enough to marry another crazy woman (who luckily is mostly out of the picture now…)

My poverty, the reason in me being a semester late in college was caused by her, stealing my childhood home from my father the breadwinner and the only one with a job. My belief that hospitals are basically obsolete stem from staying too long in them… from her hypochondriac ways.

She’s screwed over my entire family and ripped me from many of the people I care about.

She’s literally, clinically insane. She has quite a few problems with her, and from the moment that my father tried to get her help, she’s been plotting how she would ruin his life.

She has.

Amazingly enough, my Dad has the ability to brush it off and pretend like he’s got a shot at retiring.

Her contribution to my collection of emotional scars has been unprecedented. Ranging from my brother being whipped, for stopping her from nearly killing me, to causing us to basically starve for a couple weeks.

There isn’t a person that deserves to be killed more than her, in my eyes.

My fear of being published (Which is a terrible fear for one who means to be a writer) comes from her trying to track me down and hitch a ride on a rode to fame… taking credit for raising me.

I’ve sworn to myself that if it ever happened, I’d smear her name so horribly that her remaining loved ones couldn’t look her in the eye, let alone strangers.

She’s found me on almost every site I’ve joined. I’ve had to block out things, lie about things to try and hide from her. If anything happens to make my family’s presence known… like a wedding, or a visit from someone on her side of the family… she comes. She has her new husband spy on the house and take pictures and messages or calls us nonstop. Calling my Dad names so awful that only she’s so evil to say such things about such a good man.

My grandma had to get a restraining order because she tried to knock her car off the road.

I don’t want to see this woman in my life, or connected in anyway. I avoid seeing her, not because I’m afraid, but because I don’t want to do jail time.

She deserves jail time at the very least for what she’s done to us. Unfortunately because children don’t have a voice in the U.S. she’ll never do any time.

There’s a reason why I’ll never let my voice go unheard.

She sent my little sister a message, through someone else’s profile and I plan on making sure she learns not to come into contact with us, ever again.

She cannot harm us any longer.

-Aspiringtobesomeone

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Trust in the Universe and Reap the Benefits.

16 Aug

So a lot has happened since we last talked. Yeah, been so busy that I haven’t had the time to sit down and type up a blog….

So Friday, my Dad got into a fight with his boss about policy and his boss told him he was fired. He told me by Monday. (I thought he just got off early and took Monday off). Which sucks. I admit I was really scared and was already coming up with all the ways we could help my Dad out… especially in staying where we live now. By Thursday his work called him up and told him to come to a meeting and said that he’d better come or he was really fired. (Ordinarily Dad wouldn’t even be freaked out because he has 28 years seniority… heck the CEO was hired the same time… he could literally have any job in the place)

So he came and he got his job back… unfortunately he’s not getting paid vacation for those 4 and 1/2 days that he wasn’t there…. So there goes school fees and such… if you don’t realize the extent of missing a week… it means that My Dad gets at least $700 less dollars… So it’s going to be tight…. but much better than it could’ve been I’m happy.

This experience has really taught me something… (more than to make sure that I have more than 6 months pay saved up just in case I ever get fired in the middle of a crappy economy) It’s taught me that I need to trust in the universe. I’ve been talking about all the possibilities I have and how I haven’t gone for any of them (besides writing). Fact of the matter is, I just need to get out there in the world…. and than I’ll find out what I’ll do when I get there.

With every oppression comes the ability of freedom, with every freedom comes choices, with choices come the world.

I’m not claiming that I’m an expert on oppression or anything. I just have to let  you folks know something about my past. That may help you realize how I could understand this stuff. 

I had a mom that was deadset on a stepford family… and decided to use less than kosher means to achieve it. Fact is: I was beaten as a child.

I learned lessons about life that many people will never learn. I learned diplomacy and patience through these crazy happenings. But I also learned, that with every that opresses comes with something to undo it.

I had an awesome Dad… I didn’t know him until after my mother left… mostly because she insisted on doing the finances and was stealing money from my father… enough that she convinced my Dad that he needed to work 2 full-time jobs… He only had 6 hours a day and those were for sleep…. I admit that I put more weight on my Dad than I have ever put on a person.

He was the key, he could get us away from my mother… he was going to save us. (Realize that at the time I knew nothing about him… except that when I was having growing pains he’d let me sleep in their room.) He had to.

So we took a chance… when they were trying to settle the divorce after my mother had claimed that my father had beaten her…. Ironic isn’t that? We testified… well my older brother testified because he was the only one who was legally old enough to testify…  but we testified against her and hoped that the system would allow us to be set free.

My mother was oddly sweet during that time… sucking up to us. My Dad (although he was kicked out and wasn’t allowed to see us… I later found out, that he was sending my mother money to pay for all of the bills… to make sure that we got taken care of) was also nice… but a legitimate niceness… the kind where it’s literally just because the person is only nice because they’re that good of a person. We were put into fantastic hands.

But the point is, we were oppressed. (I do realize that some kids must have had worse childhoods than we did… and I sincerely pity the heck out of those kids because… although I got it through the last time and was even optimistic after… I don’t think I could do it ever again and come out whole… much less if it were worse.) and we were given a key that would free us… if we just used it. (There’s something weird about being abused… you’re embarrassed about it… and cops never believe children… that’s one thing that I know for sure now.) We were allowed to choose my Father, who luckily was awesome… I don’t know what we would’ve done if he sucked too. Probably go to an Aunt or to our Grandma.

Anyways you can trust in the universe to give you something to achieve anything that maybe related to your happiness. So go out and do something! I promise you, there is a way to anything that you are meant to do. You can always decide on the meaning of your life.

Wow, that blog went into an entirely different direction than I was hoping.

So I was busy with worrying and changing my philosophies and such to post a blog.

Not to mention Warped Tour which although we had to leave before bouncing souls (who had came to our town afterall) it was awesome. I met Big D and the Kids’ table… all of them really down to earth and we got to talk to them and they gave us their autographs. Their show was by far, the best of the day. I went into the ginormous skanking pit. So much fun. They played most of my favorite songs, “LAX, Shining On, Hell on Earth, Noise Complain…etc”. I did not get hurt one little bit… or even fall in the mosh pits (which I admit I was a bit afraid of) unfortunately I was too shy to ask the singer something that I’ve been wondering for a while… if he had ever been in drama because he sure acts like it. But anyways… it was awesome… I did get another sunburn… I really ought to just avoid the sun before I get skin cancer. BTW: Bathing your sunburn in Vingar… makes it go away stat.

I babysat the night before until like 1 a.m…. hadn’t slept the night before that.. and woke up at 7:30… (Because if we didn’t come on time we wouldn’t get in for free) and bought a Big D Patch, Micky Ds (Because we had vendor passes and could leave anytime we wanted and come back) and a shirt (Skate 4 Cancer… it was a cool shirt and I thought it was a good cause) for $10. Not half bad, eh? But yeah, by the end… although I was loving it… I was tired, thirsty, sunburned, and my arms really hurt. Can I just say I didn’t believe anything about musicians drinking a butt load? I do now… we got this one sack of glass bottles (luckily it was a heavy duty bag) and I had to carry it across the fairgrounds and I think moving a body would’ve been easier.. it was only from one band too. I definitely got some new muscles because of it.

I’ve also babysat a buttload in the past little while… (Especially considering that I have like $50 and on average only get 10 bucks)

But yeah, it’s been super swell. Don’t forget that the universe will take care of you, if you take the chances it gives you.

Yours Truly,
♥Aspiringtobesomeone

Crazy Aspirations are a Waste of Time.

20 Jul

It’s the 48th day of summer. Not that I’m counting (I’m really not… I was curious how much time I’ve wasted). That’s just it. It’s the summer before my senior year, and this is probably the last shot I have at completely wasting my time on stupid things. However, I don’t really want to waste my time… I feel like I should be doing something… Well I know what I feel like I should be doing…

I should be writing.. not “Blog-writing” I should be working on my book. Honestly, it’s a book that’s been in planning before Stephanie Meyer even got published. I’ve always wanted to write a vampire book… I was a horror fan, before I ever heard my first ghost story… I was in love with the genre before even hearing the proper term. I was looking for the unabridged version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, since 6th grade.. when I was finally able to find one, I stayed up until four A.M. reading it (even though I had school in the morning and had to wake up at 5:30 am to be on time) I reread it until I had to return it. I felt like I could honestly say I was a horror fan after.

Naturally when I decided I want to be a writer, I want to contribute to my favorite genre, in specific, vampires. I know there’s tons of vampire books out there… especially ones that were written after twilight.

I personally don’t like twilight. I am biased, I admit it. Mostly, because I am a horror fan, and do not like a romance novel being considered horror.  I realize that vampires are freakishly trendy right now and I want to avoid being thrust into the crowd.. I believe that my take on vampires is as original as Anne Rice’s.

I refuse to compare myself to twilight… mostly because it isn’t original… anybody who’s read the Vampire Chronicles has to be admit the freakish similarities going all the way down to names… Maybe Stephanie Meyer didn’t write the Twilight Books without reading any vampire fiction before… who knows? But my book, cannot even be submitted (without being compared to Twilight) until 10 years later (at least, considering the movies will keep it alive longer no doubt.) So, I’m writing a book that literally can’t be seen until much later and I admit I have no motivation right now in finishing it.

I love the characters… I love writing it. But I feel like I’m doing a whole bunch of short stories that involve the same people.

I want to start something different. If it goes well I might give it a category in this blog and you can just read it here. and maybe I’ll feel better about things know that something of mine is out there, being seen and read….My idea, isn’t what ‘sells’ (meaning: it appeals  to a very limited audience). I don’t know I’m just babbling.

My dad is bummed out, I know he feels like he’s not getting anywhere in his life… because all that’s happening is he goes to work, comes home, maybe watches tv for a while and goes to sleep. I feel bad for it, I know he’s getting frustrated and there’s nothing that I can do. I’m cleaning out the fridge today, maybe doing the dishes… making sure the house is clean for him. It’s basically all that I can do. I feel like taking him out for a movie… or maybe we’ll all go camping like he said he wanted to this summer.

I’m just worried. When he wasn’t getting satisfaction out of his life… he turned to strange woman to get it. (Not saying that my Dad had affairs or anything… he’s happily divorced) I mean, he dumped this lady that was stalking him (Finally!) and three months later he tells us he’s engaged to her. They actually got married and she trapped him into a relationship by cohorted all his money and finally he saves up just enough to move out again and begins to be happy in his freedom… he even treated us better (not that you could really improve much on how he treats us).

But now, he’s starting to chill out with his ex-wife almost every night and I can’t help but be afraid that he’ll go back to her. Not only did she treat us like crap but she used my Dad and treated him like dirt. It’s not healthly for him. I just want him to be happy and let him feel satisfied. I feel bad for venting on all you people… but I just can’t not think about it.

He’s really worried about his retirement because my birthmother (who is remarried and honestly I think owes my Dad a buttload considering that she got the house and all of the possessions that were worth something) gets half of it. If it weren’t for her, he’d be able to retire at 55.  Now he’s worrying that he’s going to need to work until the day he dies. I always tell him, he’ll always be welcome at my house (of the future, considering that I’m 17.) He always says that once I get a guy and have kids, I won’t want him there. Honestly, I don’t plan on getting married. I don’t want to have kids myself… right now if there’s any kids in my future… I’ll take orphans or kids that were abused… who are older and potty-trained and need someone to guide them… that understands what it’s like to be abused. That’s it.

I would be fine with my Dad in any setting anyways. I think he’s refusing himself to take it from any of us because he feels like it’s a handout. I don’t see it as a handout. I owe him more than you could owe anybody. He gave up his life to raise some kids he didn’t even know. (My birthmother forced him to work two full-time jobs where he could only be at home for 4 hours and that was reserved for sleep… believe me… I saw it. Basically until I was 10. I’m the fourth out of six… so my older siblings were 17, 15, and 13… about the time that childhood evaporates.) He’s in a dead-end job that’s so specialized that basically no other industry will take him… he’s tried. The government is slowly liquidating his job… and who knows what’ll happen than. He has some college education but he went college 30 years ago.

Who can blame the guy for having a bleak outlook? I want to help him out. I want to calm his fears… and just let him relax or party if he feels like it.

My Dad is one of the sweetest guys you’ll ever know… he’ll help out anybody…even if it feels like it’s going to take out a chuck of his only possessions in this world. I mean the guy will be running late to a wedding, or baby blessing or whatever… and he’ll stop on the highway for whoever’s car didn’t seem to work out today. He’ll give strangers rides… he’ll talk to someone who’s headlight went out and follow them home (if they want it) just so they can make it home okay.

My Dad is the prime example of what people should be striving for. He is perfectly supportive of everything we do. He genuinely hurts when people around him are hurting. I remember one time he bought a candybar (A little sneaking around for the guilty pleasure of having chocolate) saw me and broke it in half and when I refused saying that he needs to let him have his own stuff and that he shares too excessively (which is true… almost every penny of his paycheck goes to the wellbeing of others… house payment included) and he replied, “I’m a father. I’m supposed to be a provider… sharing is my job.” That’s the attitude he has about everything! Anybody could learn something about kindness by watching my Dad. I’m not saying that my dad is perfect or holy or anything.. (to be frank his obsession with model airplanes, cars, and robots is a bit excessive). He’s just a good man. A very rare type of man, nowadays.

I just don’t know what else I can do for him.

I mean I pride myself on my ability to help others, as my Dad does… and what does it mean when I can’t even help my own father? I feel like I can’t do anything. I just want the people around me happy… than I’ll be happy.

Which is my problem… my happiness depends on the happiness of others around me… I’m perfectly willing to conform into whatever they need me to be. That’s what it means for me when I say, “Aspiring to be someone.” I am noone. I have no likes, or dislikes… I have no personality except the one the people need who’re around me. I’m literally just learning who I am myself. I want the ability to know myself, and to be selfish with things (besides the occasional candybar) I want to see how it feels to live life normally… (like how other people do… instead of literally trying to please everyone).

I don’t know… it’s been a couple of crazy days… I don’t know what I’m saying or what I’m feeling… but thank you for tuning in, and allowing me to vent.

Yours Truly,
-Aspiringtobesomeone