Tag Archives: choices

I’m out of my head…

13 Sep

I have no idea where I’m going in my life. As I can consider myself (at least slightly) Bohemian. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact, in many ways that’s where I want to be. I don’t want to plan things out anymore… I don’t want to plan out my life and be disappointed when things don’t turn out the way I envisioned them.

Fact of the matter is: plans fall through. Almost anything that I’ve planned out a week in advance hasn’t happened. Anything I plan out 30 minutes prior to actually doing it, does. So why should I plan out my life? What college I’m going to, what my major is, what my profession will be, if I’m going to get married, if I’ll have kids, if I’ll be a skank who makes any lucky son of gun who gets me for a night wear a condom? There’s too many unknowns in life to plan.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the 12 hours before I go to sleep…. We could be hit by a tornado and be homeless by then. People change their views, their opinions, their selves all based on what happens to them. I don’t know the future me, and I don’t know if that ‘me’ is going to appreciate any choices I make for her, now… I know who I want to be. So far, I just haven’t been that. So far, everything I’ve planned out seems to go to pieces. Even when it comes down to myself.

You think I wanted to grow-up to be a cynical, pessimist that is too afraid to share her opinion, because she’s afraid that when people disagree (and they will) it will start a fight… and then she’ll turn into something that she can’t control?

Naw, I wanted to be somebody that people would listen to, I wanted to be the line between right and wrong, a guiding star. I wanted to be someone that actually matters in this world.

I chose the rule of invisible myself. I chose for all the kids in my school to not even notice me, so they couldn’t get in the way of my life. I’ve also trapped myself into this role. Maybe, after graduation, I’ll move somewhere… where nobody knows me, and I can be my literal self, and maybe I’ll even go to my high school reunions, and people may not even have an idea who I am, or maybe they will, and they’ll think, ‘she’s changed.’ The fact would be, I haven’t, not one bit.

School is either chilling out now, or I’m getting used to it, whichever. Either way, it’s not as hard as it was last week. I feel better about it. However, I can feel myself blinking onto everyone’s radar. I don’t know how I feel about that. In one way I’m happy because then everyone will know what kind of person I really am.

In another way, I love being anonymous, in the crowd just enough to know what’s going on, but apart enough that I can observe without bias. I think I might be sad to know that I won’t have it again, here. People remember you, you can’t change fact, once you’re noticed, there’s no going back. You just exist. You become known, and all those little things that you used to get away with, are spread and heard and seen. There goes your anonymity, with it, your freedom. Not that it was ever that free, not that you’ll be less free with your discovery, it’s just which freedoms are important to you?

I don’t know, I’m in a philosophical mood, it might be the storm that’s coming… it might be that I haven’t worked on my book since school started… it might be that I haven’t eaten anything yet. Who knows? I still feel it’s important to go into your life… and move a few things around, see if your perspective changes with it.

I feel alone in anonymity, alone in my unplanned life… alone in all my views… singular. Like there’s only one of me. Uniqueness and Singularity are worlds apart. One, you’re in common with at least something, part of something… with Singularity, it’s just you. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes it’s a bad thing.

I’m not saying I’m depressed or lonely or anything… just alone. It feels nice right now… and yet, I wish I did have a future that I believe I can just map out… like my peers…. I wish I could have that undeniable optimism that for once, things were going to go my way. I can’t.

I’ve lost my expectations to many things in life, with each major, life-changing event… I’ve lost 3, 4 sometimes… Now I have none. It’s weird to not expect anything, no loss…. yet an emptiness lingers.

If I were going to write about someone without a soul, I think that last paragraph is the closest you could get to it.

Well, good night fellas… sleep tight, plan well.
Truly,
♥Aspiringtobesomeone

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Trust in the Universe and Reap the Benefits.

16 Aug

So a lot has happened since we last talked. Yeah, been so busy that I haven’t had the time to sit down and type up a blog….

So Friday, my Dad got into a fight with his boss about policy and his boss told him he was fired. He told me by Monday. (I thought he just got off early and took Monday off). Which sucks. I admit I was really scared and was already coming up with all the ways we could help my Dad out… especially in staying where we live now. By Thursday his work called him up and told him to come to a meeting and said that he’d better come or he was really fired. (Ordinarily Dad wouldn’t even be freaked out because he has 28 years seniority… heck the CEO was hired the same time… he could literally have any job in the place)

So he came and he got his job back… unfortunately he’s not getting paid vacation for those 4 and 1/2 days that he wasn’t there…. So there goes school fees and such… if you don’t realize the extent of missing a week… it means that My Dad gets at least $700 less dollars… So it’s going to be tight…. but much better than it could’ve been I’m happy.

This experience has really taught me something… (more than to make sure that I have more than 6 months pay saved up just in case I ever get fired in the middle of a crappy economy) It’s taught me that I need to trust in the universe. I’ve been talking about all the possibilities I have and how I haven’t gone for any of them (besides writing). Fact of the matter is, I just need to get out there in the world…. and than I’ll find out what I’ll do when I get there.

With every oppression comes the ability of freedom, with every freedom comes choices, with choices come the world.

I’m not claiming that I’m an expert on oppression or anything. I just have to let  you folks know something about my past. That may help you realize how I could understand this stuff. 

I had a mom that was deadset on a stepford family… and decided to use less than kosher means to achieve it. Fact is: I was beaten as a child.

I learned lessons about life that many people will never learn. I learned diplomacy and patience through these crazy happenings. But I also learned, that with every that opresses comes with something to undo it.

I had an awesome Dad… I didn’t know him until after my mother left… mostly because she insisted on doing the finances and was stealing money from my father… enough that she convinced my Dad that he needed to work 2 full-time jobs… He only had 6 hours a day and those were for sleep…. I admit that I put more weight on my Dad than I have ever put on a person.

He was the key, he could get us away from my mother… he was going to save us. (Realize that at the time I knew nothing about him… except that when I was having growing pains he’d let me sleep in their room.) He had to.

So we took a chance… when they were trying to settle the divorce after my mother had claimed that my father had beaten her…. Ironic isn’t that? We testified… well my older brother testified because he was the only one who was legally old enough to testify…  but we testified against her and hoped that the system would allow us to be set free.

My mother was oddly sweet during that time… sucking up to us. My Dad (although he was kicked out and wasn’t allowed to see us… I later found out, that he was sending my mother money to pay for all of the bills… to make sure that we got taken care of) was also nice… but a legitimate niceness… the kind where it’s literally just because the person is only nice because they’re that good of a person. We were put into fantastic hands.

But the point is, we were oppressed. (I do realize that some kids must have had worse childhoods than we did… and I sincerely pity the heck out of those kids because… although I got it through the last time and was even optimistic after… I don’t think I could do it ever again and come out whole… much less if it were worse.) and we were given a key that would free us… if we just used it. (There’s something weird about being abused… you’re embarrassed about it… and cops never believe children… that’s one thing that I know for sure now.) We were allowed to choose my Father, who luckily was awesome… I don’t know what we would’ve done if he sucked too. Probably go to an Aunt or to our Grandma.

Anyways you can trust in the universe to give you something to achieve anything that maybe related to your happiness. So go out and do something! I promise you, there is a way to anything that you are meant to do. You can always decide on the meaning of your life.

Wow, that blog went into an entirely different direction than I was hoping.

So I was busy with worrying and changing my philosophies and such to post a blog.

Not to mention Warped Tour which although we had to leave before bouncing souls (who had came to our town afterall) it was awesome. I met Big D and the Kids’ table… all of them really down to earth and we got to talk to them and they gave us their autographs. Their show was by far, the best of the day. I went into the ginormous skanking pit. So much fun. They played most of my favorite songs, “LAX, Shining On, Hell on Earth, Noise Complain…etc”. I did not get hurt one little bit… or even fall in the mosh pits (which I admit I was a bit afraid of) unfortunately I was too shy to ask the singer something that I’ve been wondering for a while… if he had ever been in drama because he sure acts like it. But anyways… it was awesome… I did get another sunburn… I really ought to just avoid the sun before I get skin cancer. BTW: Bathing your sunburn in Vingar… makes it go away stat.

I babysat the night before until like 1 a.m…. hadn’t slept the night before that.. and woke up at 7:30… (Because if we didn’t come on time we wouldn’t get in for free) and bought a Big D Patch, Micky Ds (Because we had vendor passes and could leave anytime we wanted and come back) and a shirt (Skate 4 Cancer… it was a cool shirt and I thought it was a good cause) for $10. Not half bad, eh? But yeah, by the end… although I was loving it… I was tired, thirsty, sunburned, and my arms really hurt. Can I just say I didn’t believe anything about musicians drinking a butt load? I do now… we got this one sack of glass bottles (luckily it was a heavy duty bag) and I had to carry it across the fairgrounds and I think moving a body would’ve been easier.. it was only from one band too. I definitely got some new muscles because of it.

I’ve also babysat a buttload in the past little while… (Especially considering that I have like $50 and on average only get 10 bucks)

But yeah, it’s been super swell. Don’t forget that the universe will take care of you, if you take the chances it gives you.

Yours Truly,
♥Aspiringtobesomeone