I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately… and I can’t help but think that there isn’t anything there…. not that I couldn’t have a promising future. It’s almost like I don’t want it. I don’t want anything defined in stone. I want to be able to pick it all up and pack it to Timbuktu.
But I want all of those good things that come with all that solidity. I want my good friends surrounding me. I want to be able to call a person up and just drop whatever I’m doing and what they’re doing to just forget that the world outside exists and that we have lives that have responsibilities.
I’m 17. I’m not moved out, and yet, already I want to shirk those invisible realities that come once you’re out on your own for yourself, for that final time. I know that I’m not going to have anyone to take care of me… and heck, I don’t want anyone to.
I don’t want that 9-5 crap either. I don’t want to have my life scheduled around the ever selfish clock of the working man. I wouldn’t even feel bad if I knew I could just be a student for ever.
My job, quite literally being a student. Being a student you take in what you want to. You can decide to screw over that chemistry paper until tomorrow and just decide to completely disappear into the depths of 1680. People with brains can do that kind of stuff.
Unfortunately, I’ve lost most of the smarts I had when I grew up, nothing really singles me out from the rest…. I don’t have a butt load of extracurriculars, I don’t volunteer consistently, I most definitely don’t have the grades for it. I’m not an athlete, my artistic ability is sub-par and the only thing I got is my writing. Not that it’s any good.
But it’s what I love and it’s what I’d like to believe I’m good at. I haven’t finished my first book which I’ve almost been working on for 3 years now…. it’s moving along slowly….. unfortunately I keep having to research things… but better to have to get on the net, or hit the books than have people who know things about what I’m writing get annoyed with inaccuracies. I know it bugs me when I read books full of false facts or irregularities.
I know that I spell things terribly wrong and that while I can remember the proper usages of they’re, their, there, your and you’re I can’t for the life of me remember which than/then is ultimately correct. I have trouble remembering expect, and accept. I keep forgetting when to use were/was because one is for plural and one is for singular. I use the same words and phrases all the time…
I know that my characters are awesome though… my story lines so far have been pretty unpredictable to the point that I have no idea what’s going to happen. I’m not one of those writers who say funny things like, “Then Carol took over the story and chose to kill her best friends’ husband.”
Because ultimately I understand my characters and what will happen when I put them into certain situations… I don’t see my characters, I don’t hear them, I simply know what they’d do… how they would say it. It’s weird… I don’t try to believe how to understand it.
But the point is: I feel like I should do something that whatever I choose to do is going to be important. I feel like the world is for my taking and I’m just supposed to decide where I’m headed first. I’ve no reason to have this feeling, where I feel like I can do anything. Especially since I don’t have the grades, the smarts, the looks, the ability for anything. I’m just overall your average person not special in anyway…. So why should I be able to do this? To do anyhing!