I was one of those children that came from an abusive home. The abuser happened to be my mother. Sadly enough, any major issue with a life event can be traced directly to her.

My weird inability to accept imperfections came from her telling me to scrub for hours.  My hatred and distrustfulness of new people  stems from her screwing me over and then, proving it again by my dad being desperate enough to marry another crazy woman (who luckily is mostly out of the picture now…)

My poverty, the reason in me being a semester late in college was caused by her, stealing my childhood home from my father the breadwinner and the only one with a job. My belief that hospitals are basically obsolete stem from staying too long in them… from her hypochondriac ways.

She’s screwed over my entire family and ripped me from many of the people I care about.

She’s literally, clinically insane. She has quite a few problems with her, and from the moment that my father tried to get her help, she’s been plotting how she would ruin his life.

She has.

Amazingly enough, my Dad has the ability to brush it off and pretend like he’s got a shot at retiring.

Her contribution to my collection of emotional scars has been unprecedented. Ranging from my brother being whipped, for stopping her from nearly killing me, to causing us to basically starve for a couple weeks.

There isn’t a person that deserves to be killed more than her, in my eyes.

My fear of being published (Which is a terrible fear for one who means to be a writer) comes from her trying to track me down and hitch a ride on a rode to fame… taking credit for raising me.

I’ve sworn to myself that if it ever happened, I’d smear her name so horribly that her remaining loved ones couldn’t look her in the eye, let alone strangers.

She’s found me on almost every site I’ve joined. I’ve had to block out things, lie about things to try and hide from her. If anything happens to make my family’s presence known… like a wedding, or a visit from someone on her side of the family… she comes. She has her new husband spy on the house and take pictures and messages or calls us nonstop. Calling my Dad names so awful that only she’s so evil to say such things about such a good man.

My grandma had to get a restraining order because she tried to knock her car off the road.

I don’t want to see this woman in my life, or connected in anyway. I avoid seeing her, not because I’m afraid, but because I don’t want to do jail time.

She deserves jail time at the very least for what she’s done to us. Unfortunately because children don’t have a voice in the U.S. she’ll never do any time.

There’s a reason why I’ll never let my voice go unheard.

She sent my little sister a message, through someone else’s profile and I plan on making sure she learns not to come into contact with us, ever again.

She cannot harm us any longer.

-Aspiringtobesomeone

Most writers give aspiring authors or writers the advice to “write everyday” or “establish a writing routine” and if you’re like me, you write sporadically at best. (This blog is proof enough of my habits) So this advice, you might try and try to follow, but as you know your personality flaws are as overpowering as a Hurricane on a fishing boat.

Don’t sweat it.

Just because so and so’s routine happens to be consistent or proved to be successful in their case, doesn’t mean it’s the only way.

My primary idea here, is to realize your passion for writing or whatever you want to achieve, and eventually you’ll find a way to make it happen no matter what tries to get in your way.

I happen to like Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month in November), if simply because it motivates me to do things in a time that I never thought possible. Write, Start and Finish a Novel in 30 days.

My Last November I could not find a time that was consistently there to write… Heck I couldn’t even have a specific day or anything to write on.

I was a Highschool Senior with 2 A.P. honor classes, Debate, Many art classes and all their obligations (I’m pretty sure that sophmore registration night was in November… where I spent 9 hours  in one night printing T-Shirts for the soon-to-sophmores). I also had many Birthdays, Thanksgiving, and helped plan for and teach elementary kids art after school… with the End of term coming, with tests and papers and all that lovely stuff. While babysitting on weekday afternoons and weekend mornings.

Also I couldn’t write really for the first week and then the last couple days because I was motivated and I really, really, really, wanted to finish… I wrote near 20,000 in 4 days. I don’t know about you but for a novel I only started that month… that was a lot of writing.

I had basically told myself that there was no way that I’d ever be able to be a professional writer if I couldn’t spurt out 40,000 words on a new novel in a month. Which may or may not be true. But the point is, I really proved to myself that I could do it. That I could write not only decent stuff in a limited time… but I sure as hell could write a ton too.

Stop depending upon others to tell you whether not you have a shot at this. There’s a whole world out there waiting to hear what you’d like to tell them. They want to know you, know your voice, your theories and opinions and to learn from you.

You don’t need Stephen King’s advice on writing, you don’t need to emulate Hemingway, you don’t need to have Stephanie Meyer’s haircut neither. The world has already seen Stephen King, Hemingway and Stephanie Meyer and they’re satisfied with it. They don’t want or need another one of them. But what they need, and what they won’t have if you take everything you read to heart, is one of you.

The world has given you a shot by allowing yourself to be born. If you take what you have to offer and serve it up, there will be someone waiting there to take it, and enjoy it.

You won’t be loved by everyone (If you don’t believe me, look at politics to view people’s complex and disagreeing opinions). You may not sell enough that you can live off of it. Your vision may be ultimately missed. However, you will have gotten it out there.

So here’s my advice: Be you, write like you, write when you would, and only write those things in which you have a passion for, because passion is infectious.

So thank you, for being yourself and having your habits and using your voice.

Truly, ♥Aspiringtobesomeone

(F.Y.I: If you click on the icon above it will link you to the nanowrimo website where you can sign up.)

I signed up for nanowrimo, yet again. Nanowrimo is National Novel Writing Month, it happens from Nov. 1st to Nov. 30th, the point being is to complete a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Roughly 1,667 words a day.

Doesn’t sound that hard does it? It is though. At least to write a comprehensible story with a plot that makes sense. A lot of people bash on this contest because it’s ‘quantity over quality’… though I’m sure that some of the users embrace this philosophy… I write quality 100%. (However, I’ve never won… mostly because a lot of things happen in November that are preventing… family reunions, family birthdays, parties and other events).

The thing is, Nanowrimo is used as a motivator. It promotes literature, goal-making, decisiveness, and other fundamental skills that people need to learn over the length of their life… and you can learn basically any skill you will need to use in the future in this 30-day self-contest.

You make this contest what you will… it can be as serious or as flighty as you want.

Also, because Nanowrimo is part of a non-profit organization, Createspace.com is quite generously allowing the verified winners of Nanowrimo to publish a copy of their manuscript, completly bound with a custom cover and the whole bit… So you gotta say, you’d love to have your name in print… even if it is one copy… though, think about what a collectors’ item it could be after you’ve made your literary career.

If you have the money, and like this cause you should really consider donating to the Office of Letters and Light, because they bring this program to schools across the country… promoting not only writing, but reading, and literary competency.

But anyways, that aside… I have no idea what I’m doing for Nanowrmo 09, and am going to be VERY busy during the beginning of it… I’ll be staying after school and do more out of school stuff then I’ve ever have…

Good Luck to all!
Truly,
♥Aspiringtobesomeone

Fact of the matter is: plans fall through. Almost anything that I’ve planned out a week in advance hasn’t happened. Anything I plan out 30 minutes prior to actually doing it, does. So why should I plan out my life? What college I’m going to, what my major is, what my profession will be, if I’m going to get married, if I’ll have kids, if I’ll be a skank who makes any lucky son of gun who gets me for a night wear a condom? There’s too many unknowns in life to plan.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the 12 hours before I go to sleep…. We could be hit by a tornado and be homeless by then. People change their views, their opinions, their selves all based on what happens to them. I don’t know the future me, and I don’t know if that ‘me’ is going to appreciate any choices I make for her, now… I know who I want to be. So far, I just haven’t been that. So far, everything I’ve planned out seems to go to pieces. Even when it comes down to myself.

You think I wanted to grow-up to be a cynical, pessimist that is too afraid to share her opinion, because she’s afraid that when people disagree (and they will) it will start a fight… and then she’ll turn into something that she can’t control?

Naw, I wanted to be somebody that people would listen to, I wanted to be the line between right and wrong, a guiding star. I wanted to be someone that actually matters in this world.

I chose the rule of invisible myself. I chose for all the kids in my school to not even notice me, so they couldn’t get in the way of my life. I’ve also trapped myself into this role. Maybe, after graduation, I’ll move somewhere… where nobody knows me, and I can be my literal self, and maybe I’ll even go to my high school reunions, and people may not even have an idea who I am, or maybe they will, and they’ll think, ‘she’s changed.’ The fact would be, I haven’t, not one bit.

School is either chilling out now, or I’m getting used to it, whichever. Either way, it’s not as hard as it was last week. I feel better about it. However, I can feel myself blinking onto everyone’s radar. I don’t know how I feel about that. In one way I’m happy because then everyone will know what kind of person I really am.

In another way, I love being anonymous, in the crowd just enough to know what’s going on, but apart enough that I can observe without bias. I think I might be sad to know that I won’t have it again, here. People remember you, you can’t change fact, once you’re noticed, there’s no going back. You just exist. You become known, and all those little things that you used to get away with, are spread and heard and seen. There goes your anonymity, with it, your freedom. Not that it was ever that free, not that you’ll be less free with your discovery, it’s just which freedoms are important to you?

I don’t know, I’m in a philosophical mood, it might be the storm that’s coming… it might be that I haven’t worked on my book since school started… it might be that I haven’t eaten anything yet. Who knows? I still feel it’s important to go into your life… and move a few things around, see if your perspective changes with it.

I feel alone in anonymity, alone in my unplanned life… alone in all my views… singular. Like there’s only one of me. Uniqueness and Singularity are worlds apart. One, you’re in common with at least something, part of something… with Singularity, it’s just you. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes it’s a bad thing.

I’m not saying I’m depressed or lonely or anything… just alone. It feels nice right now… and yet, I wish I did have a future that I believe I can just map out… like my peers…. I wish I could have that undeniable optimism that for once, things were going to go my way. I can’t.

I’ve lost my expectations to many things in life, with each major, life-changing event… I’ve lost 3, 4 sometimes… Now I have none. It’s weird to not expect anything, no loss…. yet an emptiness lingers.

If I were going to write about someone without a soul, I think that last paragraph is the closest you could get to it.

Well, good night fellas… sleep tight, plan well.
Truly,
♥Aspiringtobesomeone

My Dad is being stupid. (Possibly past the perceptions of a teenage girl) It’s disappointing. I cannot blame him, mostly because of stress. A lot has happened to him too, lately (Although not mostly happy things like what has happened to me). He went into overdraft because a school held onto his check for 2 months before cashing it in, resulting in him thinking it was already charged. The landlord is unhappy because we had weeds in our yard and wants to check up on us (Ridiculous right? That’s where my labor-day weekend went… weeding and cleaning… I didn’t even get homework done.) He’s been stressed and he’s going to have to get a loan. (Bummer, right?). So lately he’s been letting himself be dragged off by his ex-wife (who was evil, might I add? Who he just recently divorced… who’s ruined my short existence). Heck, he went on a trip with her for 2 days. Gross much? I miss my daddy. I miss even pretending I could talk to him. I miss complaining about my homework and him complaining about the stupid guys at his work. I miss where we could just be bummed out together or just take the family and chill. Now, his ex-wife is taking away any time for these things again.  I can’t say I’m not bitter for giving up my extra-long weekend to clean for him. (Especially since he’s left early every evening to hang with her (like 6-8 pm.)) It blows.

Besides that, I have school. Summer break is officially over and I can attest that I didn’t get all of the things I wanted done this summer done. (Heck I’m behind in my life… not that there’s a roadmap or anything to this maze of random occurances that twist, and bend, and cross into other each other that is called my life). Not that I feel like anythings mine… Besides my money. I love having money… even if it’s not even a lot. Heck, I got $20 bucks on Friday… which is worth missing out on sleep with. (Mostly because I usually do anyways). However, I don’t know what the eff I want to do with it. I should be saving up for my trip through Europe, (after graduation) or for college apps, the A.C.T., My dozen art class fees, a passport, furniture, a car…. something…. books… I don’t know lugguage. There’s just so many things I want and need. (Especially if I’m ever going to backpack through Europe). Heck, I want to do it through the world.. I’m tempted to put college off a year to do it too. There’s so many things I want to do and I just don’t see many ways to do all of them. (Heck I don’t see anyway to do all of them… though I’m pretty crappy at predicting my life… just anothe reason to buy tarot cards I guess… (I’m pretty good at them… play with my friends’ everytime I see her.)) I also want a laptop so I can move on with this ‘writer-thing’ I haven’t finished my first book and it’s been a long time. I want to finish the first draft of at least 2 books before I graduate… right now it doesn’t look like it’s happening… (However, it does feel like the next one is going to go A LOT faster… thank goodness. I’m beginning to outline… because Vinsin is going to be finished very soon… even if I have to kill somebody to do it.)

Oh. back to school: first 2 weeks… longest 2 weeks ever. Got my picture taken… it’s satisfactory… I wish they wouldn’t put this weird shirt thing on all the seniors…. it really takes the personality out of everybody. Decided I was going to dye my hair… most likely platinum blonde and a dark red. I mean, why the heck not? Took WAY HARDER classes then I was planning on… senior year I’m going to work the hardest I have. (AP Lit, Film Studies, Government, Drawing, Sculpture, AP Lang, Debate, and finally, Oil Painting).

By the end of the year, I’ll be able to say that I’ve taken every art class that my school has (except for choir (because the kids’ are snooty and I can’t sing anyways) and Graphics (Because the teacher is a pervert.) That’s saying a lot because my school is in a poor neighborhood where although our academics suck…. art is basically the only thing that our school shines in.

In Government, I cannot stand my teacher! (As assumed by the name… it’s all about POLITICS!!! JOY! *scoffs… sarcasm. She’s a narrow minded conservative who can’t keep her prejudices to herself… I can just tell we’re going to get along! *Sighs* We had a stupid essay to do over the weekend… and I haven’t had the time for it (except for right now…. but I’d rather do a blog then suck some ass with a conservative essay.). 

Debate-this has been tough… we’re were supposed to do a speech in front of the class (Already not one of my talents), with a powerpoint about ourselves that was made of pictures… and we had to hit certain things with it… (Crappy Memory, Crappy Childhood makes all of these things very hard to pull off without looking like a drama queen.) Luckily I pulled it off, with a detachment to my birthmother that appeared very typical of a teenager. I was told my speech about me, myself and my past was very comical. (Getting my speech through with was a sure relief…. at least until my teacher had said he realized what group I was going to be in  (apparently it had been puzzling him before) and that my speech sealed it. (without telling me what categorey… isn’t that horrifically rude.). So yes, I’ve been thinking about it since the minute he said it, over and over again. I also debated in front of the class for the very first time… about pornography. I got the affirmative side…. I admit it was very amusing… the topic: Should pornography be legal? It was surprisingly easy to come up with ways why it should be. I thought I did it alright.

Oil painting is a pain in the butt (mostly because it talks so long to set-up and clean up.) And yatta, yatta…. most of my classes I’ve had tests in, and that sucks. There’s your lovely update about how my life is going…. hoping to talk to you soon.

BOY do I miss summer!

With luck, love, and clarity in your path
Yours’ Truly,
♥Aspiringtobesomeone